Telling the truth takes time, especially when an individual is just discovering their sexuality. Tom Falcone, a PFLAG of Cleveland member who is almost 50, says growing up, he saw the stereotype of a gay man as, “a guy who acts more like a woman. That just wasn’t me, it couldn’t be me.”

Tom Falcone, a member of PFLAG of Greater Cleveland, came out to his wife, Linda, after 26 years of marriage. Five years ago, Linda Falcone organized the Straight Spouse Network in the Cleveland area.

Falcone tried to fit in and did not talk about his feelings as a teenager. In 1973, he met Linda, and they married 26 years ago. He was almost 40 when he accepted who he was, after years of trying to push it away. In 1996, Falcone found the courage to tell his wife that he was gay.

“The first words my wife said were, ‘Oh my god, the pain you must have been living with,’” he says. “The second thing she said was, ‘I’ll love you to the grave.’”

Feelings of isolation, not being accepted and discrimination are not limited to the person coming out. Parents, friends, children and spouses of sexual minorities can all experience these same emotions.

Linda Falcone, organizer of the Straight Spouse Network in Cleveland, says while she accepted and loved her husband, the worst part about having her spouse come out to her was feeling that she was the only one.

“When a husband or wife comes out, the other spouse goes into the closet,” says Linda, who organized the group five years ago. “I felt better the minute I found out I was not alone.”

In relationships that involve a gay and straight spouse, Tom says, there are other, more complicated issues to address.

“Parents are bound differently then spouses. The parents still have someone to grow old with,” he says. “The straight spouse has to make sure the last 26 years weren’t a lie. They question their identities — ‘why didn’t I know?’”

Linda says she always felt out of place at the Straight Spouse meetings, because most couples were divorced. She wondered why she was there. Tom and Linda recently decided to get a divorce.

“We both said we’d know when the time would come,” Tom says. “We went through years to see if we could live without the spark, and attraction. We missed it, and started to resent it. We never wanted our love and friendship to be ruined.”

The Falcones, who have three boys between the ages of 20 and 25, taught their children acceptance of others but remained aware of the outside world. Tom says they reacted as most people do when he came out to them.

“They were shocked, saddened and confused,” says Tom, who would remove rainbow stickers from his car’s bumper when his children would use it. “I’m proud of my boys. They were taught to be good to others and respect people. That’s something I always craved.”

Discovering there are others with similar experiences and feelings can help with the acceptance of truth. Several groups around the country provide information and support. Besides the Straight Spouse Network, there is TransFamily, the Lesbian/Gay Community Service Center of Cleveland and Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians & Gays.

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